[ you always knew how to l i e ]
your intellect scared mother and father, but it was okay; they were gone soon enough. you don't remember where. you just remember snow, because they were gone, and they were never coming back.
(big jumper, trousers, hands in pockets - he wrapped a scarf around your neck and held out his hand)
[ it starts with an 'are you okay?' and
'i'm f i n e' begins the culmination of lies]
you were one of the first - no, the first. the first great gift. watari recognises that potential and connects you to all the right people. the police. the governments. you are merely eight when you, somehow, solve the problems that were going to start world war three.
(the great 'L' began there)
such a small child. you are a small child with the entire world's responsibility on your shoulders, somehow. but that's okay. you are content hiding behind a screen and concealing your real name. humans never liked you, anyway.
why not become an entity that people doubt are real?
[ i'm not a m o n s t e r ]
you grow to prominence quicker than a normal child may be able to handle, but it has been long-established that you were never a normal child, and you accept the infamy as easily as you accept the sweets that watari buys for you from the supermarkets. at least, that's what you pretend is what happens, that the many faces of the victims you've had to see doesn't haunt every living moment, that you didn't have to pretend that they were simply numbers in one large equations.
and the accusations of so many people, when you are just a teenager, that you're not human and don't understand any people - that those words and those images didn't put too much strain on your young shoulders. leave such a bitter taste in your mouth that sweets and sugar were the only things able to coat it, and the strain left you unable to sleep at night and shadows haunted your eyes.
what better way to understand the monsters than to become one yourself? once upon a time, that was easy. now, it is just common practice. you understand the cases, and the people, much better then.
(there are many monsters out there, you tell the children of wammy's house, when you are much older, and these quirks have become everyday to you. monsters who lie, and steal, and hurt - many people out there, and you understand this because you are one of those monsters)
it never stopped them from idolising you, however. you loved and hated it. after the loss of A and the destruction of B, you feared for the others, to some degree.
[ you are better than t h e m ]
years pass and you are but a hollow shell of a child you could have been. you are cynical and confident, because the detective wars with the men you stole their name from rose with you triumphant. what is there to stop you, except for -
(a young, brilliant boy by the name of light yagami. the only one who could be called worthy of a rival)
he enters your life through bloodshed and death, another time where you look upon the faces of victims who had caused the faces of others, and he becomes a dangerous obsession.
you take risks. what is there to lose, in this life, except a life that you could dare say you even hated, after so long? once you track him down, there is a reason you are convinced of his supposed guilt - because you can tell he is a monster too. you share too many qualities that the both of you lie about to keep hidden from those about you.
but even then, you cannot quite understand the motivation for protecting those you love. perhaps it's just because you've never felt the same about anyone, or anything. how strange it must be to be human, to a degree.
[ i am h u m a n ]
there is even a time when you begin to doubt yourself, because when your lives are physically chained by the handcuffs you had attached to your wrists and you are working together - what is this? the stirring of feeling in a heart that had always been dead?
(it was terrifying)
you would never admit the stirrings of jealousy in your heart when the amane girl draped herself all over him like a lampshade, the exchanges you had with him were unlike what you had had with any other in this disgusting world. in truth with his name, he had brought light into a world where everything had always been dead and wilting.
(two monsters, together, after all)
no one had been worthy of such a place in your life, and other than watari, no one had taken such importance. despite the way you displayed yourself in front of the old man with his top hat, and how the police force saw your interactions with him, he was more like a father than anyone else had ever been. watari had his fair share of monsters lurking in the dark, but he was the one person you could stand tall for. no one else deserved that. no one had done as much for you as watari had, and been the only constant in a life where no one knew your name.
you were so close. despite this so-called friendship you had with the boy called light, despite the talk you have on the rooftop with rain soaking your bodies and sitting on the stairs with towels wrapped around your necks, you know, like everything, it has to end.
he is a monster too.
but he has the power of the gods on his side, and when watari's dying voice reaches your ears over the monitor, and you know that watari is gone - there is true terror welling up in your throat and manifesting itself in your eyes, and you can't help but scream his name when the data is erased and the communication is cut off.
(he's gone, he's gone -)
for the first time in your life, the dead monster feels panic and grief and too many emotions all at once in a heart that was not equipped to handle it. but you are still able to yell orders to the police until -
your heart skips a beat and stops.
and holding you in his arms, like what should have been something in those movies, before you hit the floor, is Him, and you look upon him to see the smile on his face.
(he truly has the smile of a monster, and yet, it was too beautiful not to gaze upon)
you have been betrayed by him, you feel the betrayal pierce you in the heart that had finally began to feel, and your eyes close on the face that soon turns to grief, and pain.
you never worked out, in the last second, if that split-second glimpse you had seen had been real or fake. nothing was real, anymore.
(and then, you woke up)
this is not what you wanted.
you would have been satisfied with just dying, because you knew that near and mello would finish off what you had begun. but now, there was no one, and you were still living a life you utterly despised. what were you to do? you didn't know what to do in a strange new world without watari by your side.
you hated to admit it, standing amongst millions upon millions of people, but you didn't know what you were doing. even dying hadn't gotten rid of all of the memories that you had. now, you had nothing to distract yourself from them.
(what am i going to do, watari?)
years. you hid away, like you always knew how to do, because why would you put yourself out there for people? what good was there in doing it? instead, you procured yourself technology and found work through there, typing furiously away on most days and only going out when you needed groceries.
it took some time to adjust. you still found yourself calling watari's name when you wanted something, only to remember he wasn't there anymore. you searched for him, hoping that you might have met the same fate and life could go on as usual, but it was in vain.
years. years spent in despondence and hate until a name flashed upon your monitor, in a district different to yours, a familiar face that awoke something in the heart that had died again -
[ i will not find h i m ]
but you knew there was a reason the both of you had ended up in this place. perhaps (and you never put much stock in fate) the red string of fate that had wrapped itself tightly around your fingers in the same way the handcuffs had done had dragged you both here.
he had been defeated; you knew that much. but you also knew, from the look on his face, in the many publicity photos you had poured over, that he had given up.
despite yourself, it made you angry.
that was not the boy that you knew. you longed for that communication again, the rivalry, the hate, the love, the war that you two had waged upon each other, and you knew you were the only one to wake him up.
after all, it was only monsters who could create monsters.
[ i am not a monster i am t h e monster