at no point did adachi want to come to this party. first and foremost, this wasn't even his sector, but his boss' boss (aka, terminus' representative) had requested some extra security detail, undercover and under-wraps, just to make extra sure that things ran smoothly. ergo, his boss had picked from each squad, and while adachi had always hated being overlooked in the past, he sort of hoped he had been this time. acting the jovial fool got tired after a while, especially lately, where he was just busy being bothered by all manner of people. someone from his world, for a terrible example, but also noh-varr consistently needing his attention. they'd made the mistake of going past...well, adachi wouldn't call them friends, but they'd gone past that now, and since sex was clearly involved these days, getting rid of the pandorian was going to be far, far more difficult. honestly, if adachi hadn't done it by now, he didn't think he ever would. sometimes there was a small voice inside his head that asked if he really wanted to be rid of him, to which a louder, more self-loathing voice intoned of course you do. sometimes he couldn't discern which was how he truly felt, or if one was louder than the other because he thought that's how he should feel. figuring out his fluctuating and, frankly, strange emotions was terrible. sex had just fully complicated things, made them terrible and confusing, and now adachi wasn't even sure how he felt anymore. he allowed it because he oftentimes didn't have the drive to fight too ardently, put up some token resistance because he felt he should, and like it was expected of him. giving in was easier than that anyway, so for the most part, he'd just been worn down.
he didn't enjoy this, that's what he said to himself, over and over so that it might become true. he was so unaccustomed to attention in this way and that's what made everything harder. he'd killed those women because they wouldn't give him what he wanted; the first because he'd wanted her and she rejected him, the second because he'd tried to test her nature and because the idea interested him. he played with people's lives because it was entertaining, but didn't have the conviction to do so anymore. if he were being honest, the most interesting thing about him right now was noh-varr. he wondered if maybe he hated this so much because he knew how little he deserved it. for a long time, his ego had been great; he'd been praised for being brilliant as a child, was forced to work as hard as he could and forgo friendships and everything else in pursuit of an education. his personal skills were very much lacking and he never learned how to properly emote with people, make friends, or figure out the emotions of others, let alone his own. he couldn't tell how genuine noh-varr was, if he truly wanted to understand adachi for all he was, or if this was just something interesting and convenient for him. then again, how could it be interesting, seeing as how adachi himself was anything but? none of it made any sense, especially since adachi was always so distant. he tried his hardest to push the other away and it didn't seem to be working; there was going to come a point where he'd just have to live with it.
tonight was a night where he just had to deal with having the other around. he'd made the mistake of preemptively mentioning that he was stuck coming here tonight and he'd been badgered until he finally agreed to take noh-varr with him. a night of annoyances, it seemed, because he hated to admit that noh-varr cleaned up very well--he wouldn't say that to his face, of course, because that would be stupid. instead, he'd sighed and pushed him into a cab and they were off to vesper. that had been an hour ago now and adachi knew he should likely not be drinking like he was but when he didn't have to pay for the alcohol it was no holds barred. he wasn't drunk yet, which was good, but he was definitely feeling warm. he was feeling better, less bitter about all this. as it was already he had been his normal, jovial self to keep the image alive and, the more he drank, the easier it became. not drunk by a long shot, but at the very least he wasn't feeling as angry as he normally did. he'd wandered from noh-varr at some point, one of his co-workers stopping to speak to him in hushed tones, warn him about a few suspicious looking people, and adachi had to admit to himself that he was not paying attention.
a little buzzed, he gave a small mock salute and turned back to where he'd been standing alongside noh-varr only to find that the pandoran was busying himself with a few girl--adachi would have thought they were cute were they not too close in a way that made him feel strange. scoffing loudly, and before he even realized what he was doing, he was sliding up alongside them. he reached out, fingers brushing at noh-varr's hand before he could stop himself. he caught the other's sleeve and tugged him with the intention of getting him away from the conversation and into the comfort of just the two of them again. "you're supposed to be here with me," he muttered. under the guise of fixing noh-varr's tie, which wasn't actually messed up, his eyes focused on the knot that he was adjusting. "stop flirting with other people."
he's got 2 warring emotions: want and do not want.