it means something different to everyone, but to you, it dictates your whole life. from the moment you understand what it means, to the moment you realize you can't feel it like other people do. your life is completely devoid of this thing
that many people use to shape their growth when they're younger. but you can't, no matter how hard you try. and you do try. you try so hard to feel this hurt, this searing feeling that people describe. you don't know what to do. is there anything you can do?
noun. physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury.
you suppose you've experienced pain before. not a physical pain though, more of an emotional or mental. being locked away in your room was a challenge. not even your family wanted to be around you. a freak. someone that wasn't normal.
it made sense that they didn't want you in their lives. who wanted to take care of a child who couldn't even play with other children because he was too violent. a kid that didn't know when too much was too much. someone that doesn't know pain or cold or heat. you know nothing.
the only things you have are touch and taste. and your mind. but it's not long before you're locked in a small house of your own. a bedroom, a bathroom, a nanny. everything you could need except for human connection. it's obvious that you aren't good enough. not normal enough for anyone to care about.
you're stuck with your own mind, your thoughts. your emotions. and you hurt. you're afraid and you don't know what to do.
so you do the only thing you can think of. try and get these emotions out of you so that you can finally feel. you press the cold metal against your skin until it breaks, blood pooling out of the cuts, but you can't feel it. it's fascinating though. you know it's supposed to hurt, to sting and burn, but all you can feel is numb. there's nothing.
you can't even do that right. you can't do anything but exist and you don't even want to do that. there's nothing in germany for you besides four walls to stare at. at least you have your computer to keep you company. that way you won't die of boredom.
but even then, you're bored and you need more. something to drag you out of the monotonous life that you lead. you find that when you see cheap tickets to japan - midorijima to be exact. it seems like paradise. it's completely around the world and you won't have anything to do with your family, not like they'd even care or notice that you were even gone.
you slip away in the middle of the night, turning your back on everything you know. it's behind you now and you're not going to look back. there's no need to. this pain that you think you've felt is over with.
another chapter is closed.
verb. cause mental or physical pain to.
you can't claim that your time in midorijima has been all fun. it hasn't. you were young and stupid and broke. you made choices that you care to forget and yet you can still feel them ghost against your skin.
it's not easy to find a place to live with no money and no one that you know. you hate yourself for what you do, but you strike a deal. you trade favors for a couch to sleep on, pay for groceries with the favors you do for his friends. the hands you feel ghosting over your skin even now. you shiver at the thoughts, the memories that arise anytime some does something similar.
it burns and itches underneath your skin and you don't know what to do. is it shame? no, you needed to do it. you needed it to survive. you don't know what it is that is causing these things in you, so you ignore it.
luckily, you have your computer and you've learned to hack and you can make your own money selling information. you don't need to turn to favors anymore. and then rhyme comes around and you can distract yourself.
it becomes an addiction. you have to play and you have to win. you need to be the best. or at least better than sky blue. you just need to beat him once and you'll be satisfied. he's such a dick. cocky and thinks he knows everything.
you finally think you've grown strong enough to beat him and you can't find him. it's like he doesn't exist anymore. after scouring the internet, you think you've find him. or at least, someone you think is him. you've got to try at least. you lure him under the guise of a package delivery.
it's a surprise attack and you force him into a rhyme game. but you're sorely disappointed. it's sky blue alright, but he's terrible. you want to scream. what happened to him? you can't even begin to imagine. but you investigate.
you break into his house, but you're caught and invited to dinner? his grandmother wouldn't take no for an answer and forces you to stay and eat as well as the others that had happened to have stumbled upon the man's room at the same time.
it's not until you find out where he works when you see him again - and you do something rash that you know will get his attention. you kiss him. and for once it actually kinda.. feels good? at least you think it does. it's doesn't leave your skin itching like the other times.
you find yourself drawn to the blue haired male and you can't help it. you need to be around him and you have this pull to help him find the answers he's looking for. perhaps it's because he was kind to you? you're not sure. you just know that you don't really want to leave. you don't ask to help him, you're volunteered because you'd been caught sneaking around again.
it seems like rescue mission after rescue mission that you all participate in. first for aoba's friend mizuki and then for aoba's grandmother too. after a while you've both received and accepted invitations to platinum jail. it's there that aoba gets to know you better - that he realizes some of the things you've been through and where he notices something isn't... normal about you. you're afraid he'll leave, that he won't care for you anymore or be there for you.
but he doesn't. he stays. he still wants you around, still needs you.
aoba's quest for information comes to fruitation in the oval tower. you send the others ahead, taking care of the guards and their little toys, but when the smoke clears you realize that you're injured. you hadn't felt it. but you see the blood and you sit on the floor, shocked.
what had aoba done to you while you'd shared the room in platinum jail? he'd done something. maybe it was just how he cared for you that made you feel something different while looking down at your injuries.
the next thing you know, you're in a hospital bed and aoba is peering down at you, a worried expression on his face. you tell him you're fine, it was just a scrap, but he grabs your head between his hands and stares at you with that expression still on his face. you don't know what to do, so you kiss him again, it's the only thing you know to get him to stop looking at you like that. to stop looking at you like he cares so much. you can't stand it.
all that emotion he showed and knowing you can't even return a fourth of it. it hurts. and you realize that maybe.. maybe you can feel again.