A G O L D E N BOY,
i followed all the constellations in the sky
and all of them led to h i m
at first he was just a weird kid who liked to look up into the sky, big brown eyes wide and curious as the night fell around the two of you and he excitedly pointed out constellations as they appeared. you would've never known how in love you could've been, had you not met oikawa tooru. he was everything you weren't, emotional and irrational, outgoing and loud--cheerful and boisterous and you sat by his side, young and impressionable and you listened as he blabbered on about orion's belt, and stars named sirius and bellatrix (not the one's from harry potter, mind you.)
you'd spend all your time with him, your parents loved that you were being social, you'd always been more closed off and sometimes you don't even feel like talking to tooru. you sit on the hillside and his voice trailed on and on, he always said nice things about you and you'd pout slightly before pulling your knees up to your chest, resting your chin atop them. "why do you say those things to me?" you'd grumble, dark eyes following the trail of a firefly as it twirled in the sky only a few feet in front of you. "aw, iwa-chan! you know why!" you don't.
it's something you didn't understand then, and you don't understand it now. oikawa tooru practically worships the ground you walk on, and you don't know why. in comparison to him? you are nothing. it's a feeling that sticks with you even now--oikawa is someone who people fawn over, he is the great king, he is charming and flirtatious and beautiful and you are n o t h i n g.
everyone is looking at oikawa tooru, and it doesn't make sense that he so often only looks at you. and he doesn't look at you like you're nothing, he looks at you like you're the entire world, the universe and all of the stars and moons and galaxies in it.
S T A R D U S T ON HIS LIPS,
and a heart on fire, he kissed these frostbitten lips
and i felt rays of light wrap around my r i b s
you are his pillar.
you are his pillar and you are there for him when he isn't there for himself. you start playing volleyball together and it feels right. it gives you something to do with oikawa aside from catch bugs or talk about aliens, or mother him when he decides to do something stupid. it hurts you when he gets sick, you climb onto his bed with him as he blows his nose, sniffling and teary and you take your place up against the headboard next to him. "you don't take care of yourself."
even at a young age, you knew that this was just the way oikawa was. you were the responsible one, you were the one who planned everything out, made sure you took care of yourself and oikawa? he knew that you'd come running as soon as he needed you. everytime.
and you did.
you sat with your sick best friend, brows furrowed in annoyance as the tv played, lighting up the otherwise dark room. well, 'dark' aside from the glow up stars that littered the ceiling and walls, and you thread your fingers through his hair while oikawa mumbles things to you through a stuffy nose. he's gross, he's annoying, he should sleep. he always whines at you when you yell at him for not taking care of himself, but clearly you haven't smacked the ideas into his head well enough for them to stick. he's infuriating. he's too noisy. he's reckless. he's arrogant. and you'd do anything for him.
he hurts his knee and it becomes something that you notice anytime he is playing volleyball for too long. you can tell exactly when he's overworked himself, down to the very second--you can always tell. oikawa thinks he can hide everything, he thinks he has the best façade of them all, but you can see through it. you know when he's hurting, you know when it's physical or mental, and you suppose that if you weren't around, someone else would pick up right where you left off.
you tell yourself that, and you're not sure why you constantly tear yourself down, but how can you not? you're in school when you truly see oikawa tooru blossoming, he's a social butterfly and you're on the volleyball team together and he tries so hard to do well. he really does. people might think that oikawa hasn't worked a day in his life to get good at anything, that he's naturally talented, but you watched him work over and over on serves, and you watched him break down as soon as kageyama tobio seemed to easily pick up oikawa's technique.
even when you had to step in, even when oikawa was crumbling, he was still someone you marveled at. you hated it. sometimes you hated him. it wasn't fair, because he'd always been nothing but kind to you. but you've always been in his shadow, and when you were going to go to aoba johsai and he wasn't, you wondered how you'd both handle it. you being in the potential spotlight--oikawa being alone...but again, someone would take your role. of course. everyone loved oikawa despite him being too much to handle sometimes, and you didn't doubt that he'd find someone else.
THE I C E ENCASING MY HEART,
melted away in that m o m e n t
i knew i was touched by something h o l y
he came with you to aoba johsai.
you can't hate him, though. not really. you don't want to be on your own, when all is said and done, the idea of being without oikawa scares you. the times you tell yourself that you are nothing? they would mean little in comparison to how you'd feel if oikawa wasn't around. he gives you purpose, he is bright and blinding and you take care of him. you mean so much to him sometimes it's scary. you suppose if you didn't know him so well, you'd think he was just insane, or being fake but oikawa is not fake with you. not usually. there's no need for him to be.
it's seeing kageyama at karasuno at the interhigh preliminaries that sparks a slight annoyance in you. you know how jealous oikawa gets around the other, you know how he feels conflicted about tobio, and while oikawa grins and smiles and giddily tells tobio-chan that he's happy to see him, you know the truth. you beat karasuno in the preliminaries, but you're in your third year, so is oikawa, and college is looming over your shoulder.
and it feels like going into your first year of high school again, but it's different now. you and oikawa are set to go to different schools and it makes you sick to your stomach. you can't be there for him forever, you know that.
you can't help but look at him differently though, you've always noticed everything about him, but you see things even clearer now. you don't want him to be alone.
y o u don't want to be alone.
in the end, that's it, isn't it? people think oikawa relies on you for everything, that he's the one who needs you more than anyone else in the world. no one entertains the thought that maybe, you need him just as much, if not more.