you know well enough yourself that even without a motive, a murderer lives to kill
some days are so much harder than others.
your life before APTX 4869 is so simple, its so easy. you are kudou shinichi, son of a famous mystery writer that consistently assisted the police in various cases around tokyo. your father takes you to crime scenes when you're younger--and what drives him to do as such, you're never really sure, as it seems kind of intense for just a child--and inspires in you a desire for justice. perhaps he expects you to follow in his own footsteps, perhaps he simply needs something to do with you while your mother is busy with her acting career. the reasons you're unsure of but the outcome is obvious.
you throw yourself into reading as much as you can; mystery novels, starting with your father's. you graduate from those and start devouring every single kind of book that lines the kudou mansion extensive library. from books on anatomy to wound care to how to read micro-expressions, you read everything. even if its far too "advanced" for a young child's mind to entertain. your favorite authors are sir arthur conan doyle, creator of the great sherlock holmes, and edogawa ranpo who created kogoro akechi. two very famous fictional detectives that you aspire to be just like.
in truth, there's no reason why the police force would let a sixteen year old boy join their ranks. however, they know of your father's intense involvement in solving so many cases that otherwise would have gone cold, and they give you that chance. within the next year you are the "savior of the police force" and the self-appointed heisei holmes. its pretty much the best possible outcome and event he most gruesome of cases no longer shock you. its a way of life more than it is simply a job, its all you've ever wanted to be; however, do you do this for the good of mankind or do you do this for yourself? are you truly in it for justice for the victims or because of the attention it garners for you?
is it simply the rush and thrill of the chase that drives you? do you really care about what happens afterwards?
they're questions that you've asked yourself numerous times and in your arrogance you always claim you're doing the best for tokyo and its people. but that arrogance gets the better of you all the time. you are either beloved by your classmates or hated for your cocky nature and it never seems to matter to you. making friends has never been your strong suit and ran, well, she's been with you since you were young. and the only reason she sticks around is because she knows you better than anyone else could ever hope to know you. your father foiled a kidnapping plot, her kidnapping, and you'd been attached at the hip ever since; your first friend, your first crush, the first person to ever care about you. as you are. no strings attached.
why is it that you do what you do? why you really do what you do? oftentimes you're impulsive and reckless, you're forgetful and sometimes too self-absorbed. that's why you forget you're supposed to go with ran to tropical land to celebrate her success at her karate tournament. for a famous child detective you realize just how stupid you can be. its that same stupidity that, after solving a murder case on the spot on the rollercoaster, you follow a mysterious man in black. ran's always told you that bad luck seems to follow you around like a lost puppy and, god, she's never wrong. the source of your problems is your own overconfidence in your abilities. its a deal undercover with the dark stranger; you think you could be on to something big.
and that's before your own world goes black with the pain that slams through you like a train. he forces that pill down your throat and leaves you bleeding, to die. you don't, however. you wake up but you wake up different and thus starts a new, terrible life for you. alright, not so terrible, but trying to solve cases in the body of a seven year-old child isn't easy. instead of killing you, the pill shrinks you; you retain all your memories, your personality, everything that made you kudou shinichi. thus starts the journey of edogawa conan, a name made up for yourself to hide your identity. and your adventures as edogawa conan, the child detective that isn't taken seriously, that has to act his age, that has to go back to elementary school, that can no longer act like kudou shinichi. you need to find the people that did this to you and you need to reverse the pill's effects. you want your body back.
this may all be difficult but kudou shinichi does not back down.
the bewitching power of moonlight; moonlight incites dark passions like a cold flame
you've never met anyone that could best you, not a single person in the entire world could get the better of the infamous heisei holmes. he gets the better of you the first time you meet, innocuous and on the top of a roof. you can hear his voice even days after you meet him; it sticks with you in a way you know it should not. you were so certain you had him in your grasp when you fired off that firework. he appeared on the wings of moonlight and the minute you saw him you felt like he knew you. like he knew who you were without ever having spoken a word to you.
the feeling is uncomfortable and disconcerting.
that idiotic phantom thief. kaito kid. you're not that kind of detective, you investigate murders, the cases that would otherwise go cold, not jewel heists. and you are not kudou shinichi right now, you are the child detective edogawa conan. you're working around an unfortunate circumstance while still trying to help ran's bumbling detective father catch his criminals while trying to seek out the organization that doomed you to this body. sometimes you wonder if it wouldn't have been easier if you'd died. no one takes little kids seriously, so you work with what you're given.
professor agasa makes you gadgets, one to even communicate through your real voice. he gives you the means with which to try and make the most of what's happened to you. for a long time you think trying to do this as a child was more trouble than it was worth; and what are you doing it for? is it still for truth and justice? or is it for yourself? the great kudou shinichi has been known to be attention-seeking and high-minded. he's been known to be arrogant and overconfident, smug and obsessive. edogawa conan is all these things but more, he is little and he is cute, he has the appeal of innocence and charm of being a child. he is unassuming and easy to get along with. people like him better.
does anyone really and truly miss kudou shinichi?
its not so much that kaito kid is a thief, is breaking the law, that makes you feel restless, self-conscious. its that when he looks at you there's always that moment where you can swear you see yourself reflected in his eyes, in the monocle he wears. and not edogawa conan, but you, as you are, the seventeen year-old brilliant detective. is that what bothers you most? that without saying anything, without revealing to him who you are, it feels like he knows. he knows.
some days you feel like you can see right through him in the way he destroys all your walls and drives himself right into your core. other days he is unreadable, confusing. he has saved your life more than once, you have saved his life in turn. there's a strange, beneficial partnership between thief and detective. sometimes he gives you information you need and in turn you face the other way when it comes to his antics. you know you need to catch him, one day, you know you can't let him get away, and you are positively determined to be the one to do it. no one else could ever catch a criminal so crafty. it has to be you. it has to be you.
you hate the way he's always two steps ahead of you and you hate the way he grins and tips his hat before he leaves and you hate the way he calls you tantei-kun and the sweep of his hair and the blue of his eyes. he is cocky and flirtatious and charming and a liar and a criminal and reckless and crafty and talented...and he is amazing. and the thing you hate most, the thing that really makes you angry, is that you are
when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth
there's something undeniably wrong with you.
finding yourself in a new world is less distressing than realizing that you're losing some part of yourself every day you're here. a strange phenomena, maybe its the effects of the drug still in your system but subdued by whatever weird magic here keeps you from taking the form of edogawa conan. you've asked haibara a few times to give you the temporary, unstable antidote, so you could be yourself again and the side-effects have always been strong. she warns you, time and time again, against taking too many. have you exceeded some unforeseen limit? is that your problem now?
no one here knows kudou shinichi from anyone else. while you are truly alone, you decide you'll do here what you always did at home. its not so easy here. murders are far and few in between and solving petty robbery cases takes you a quarter of the time it takes the entire police force in the capitol. the only reason you're on the force in the first place is because you stop a purse snatcher, and not even on purpose, purely by accident. ran was right, bad luck does follow you. at least you haven't been shot here. you have been shot before, haven't you? surely you must have.
most days you try and ignore the fact that the vast majority of your memories have grown fuzzy. a little bit like being underwater, you remember faces and names and voices, but of the hundreds of cases you've solved, they're all starting to disappear. evaporating, like smoke into the air. and why? why is this happening? the drug, maybe, finally working as intended. heh, perhaps you'll die now. that'd be ironic, wouldn't it? you're not even home for the villains that did this to you to take pleasure in your untimely end. you're convinced you must be dying because why else would you be losing the memories of your most important cases? small glimpses and flashes and maybe they're just not important anymore. now that you're here, now that you're no longer in tokyo, you're in this strangely peaceful existence.
is this a call for normalcy? maybe something out there is trying to tell you to live in this world like a normal teenager; no murder, no near-death experiences, no phantom thieves, no men in black. the thought of living peacefully doesn't sound so bad but, in the end, that's just not you. you've got this chance to start over, to show everyone here what kudou shinichi can do, no need to hide behind the mask of edogawa conan. you can begin to live like yourself again. but you've spent so long being edogawa conan you wonder if you can really be kudou shinichi. does he...even exist anymore? he is arrogant and high-minded, he is brilliant and intuitive, he is sneaky and he wants to uncover the truth. you will fight this, whatever it is that's keeping you from remembering yourself, stopping you from recalling the important events of your past. if this drug is going to kill you, you'll fight it every single step of the way.
kudou shinichi is elyion's newest sherlock holmes and not even death will stop him.